Today is Thursday, and since I eulogized Doug - I have not gone to work. I have hardly slept or ate, I have not written a column - and I almost lost it.

For the second time in nine months, I had to stand in front of my friends and family and say goodbye to one of my closest friends. Having yet to deal with his death - it was impossible to stand up there on stage and read the words I wrote to say goodbye to him. I remember that as I read the eulogy - my hands were shaking almost to the point where I could no longer read the words I wrote. And then seeing his poor mother and wife having to say goodbye to the most important man in their lives was intolerable. It was the Rabbi overseeing the ceremony that said the line that finally made me almost cry. He said that Amy now has no choice but to take the loving memories of less then one year of marriage - and try and make them last a lifetime.

The rest of the ceremony was pretty much the same. And when it was over - all I wanted to do was go home and forget my troubles. And that is exactly what I did - almost to the point of no return.

Feeling depressed about - everything - I started to become the opposite of what I am - unmotivated, lazy - and irresponsible.

I did not go to work Tuesday and Wednesday, I didn't clean the house, I sent out my laundry instead of doing it myself - and I even ignored my brand new laptop that I was waiting for - just because I didn't feel motivated to set it up.

In the history of my existence, no other single event has brought down my mood so much. From nightmares and sleeplessness to loss of appetite and disinterest in food - to lack of motivation and outright laziness - my life has certainly changed since September 11th - and I wonder if it will ever be the same again.